I’ve been rambling on now for over a month about how I got dumped and then what it is like to date again. I wasted money on Christian Mingle and then again wasted money on Match. I even tried to get a refund when they said my ex-boyfriend was my best match. Unfortunately the buffer zone for getting a refund had past.
Reflecting upon all of this junk, I realized the best week of it all was actually the week after getting dumped before I started to feel (for whatever reason) that I needed to start looking for another dude. That week I spent time doing things I loved. I spent time reflecting upon my life in general. I walked in the park taking pictures of flowers. In general, I just enjoyed myself.
I signed up to volunteer at my church and was very excited about it. Then for some reason, I guess the lonliness set in and I had to get on those websites. I have since, before my membership ran out, deleted my Christian Mingle account. I have also eliminated (as if I were The Bachelorette) every guy I was talking to except for one. I still have my account and I still logged on last night to clear out messages and respond to people but overall, I really don’t think I am meeting my match on Match.
The other day, I didn’t have anything to do because my plans had changed and was left to be alone. That kind of seems like the theme of my life. Plans change. I’m alone. So I thought to myself about all the things I could possibly do alone and what I would actually enjoy doing by myself. I went to a bookstore (where, by the way, I discovered the OU Coloring Book – hilarious). I walked around nearly every section. I remembered when I was a little girl how much I loved books. I had tons of books stacked up next to my bed (not on the bookshelf) and would read through them over and over in a certain order. I loved being able to escape to a new place and time through my imagination. I also realized that I love reading and learning about a variety of topics. I spent hours in the bookstore looking through nearly every single section and actually being interested in at least one book from each. I would have spent hundreds of dollars if I had purchased everything I wanted to purchase. I did grab several books and carried them around but then had to eliminate it down to one before leaving because of my budget.
The book I chose to purchase was Become Your Own Matchmaker: 8 Easy Steps for Attracting Your Perfect Mate. I love Patti and her show. She is hilarious but she definitely drives home the point to her clients. So I knew this book would be both entertaining and informative. It was just what I needed.
I was looking forward to learning more about her techniques and what I should be doing to find a mate.
I open the book, start with the first chapter, and then everything comes to a screetching halt. Already.
Patti says that if you just ended a relationship you need Dating Detox. I thought, well that’s not that bad. I can take some time off. Then I continue reading. She has somewhat of a formula for how much time you need off. When I calculate mine, she requires a minimum of 90 days. That is three (3) months! Yikes!
Of course all I am thinking about is that is the exact amount of time I subscribed to Match.com so the entire thing is literally a waste of money if I follow her advice.
I read through three (3) chapters of the book in the first night. It was very engaging, entertaining, informative, and basically kicked me in the gut just like she does on the show. Patti basically ripped out my insides and then gave me instructions on how to reinstall them. Fabulous!
So my first step was to be a decent human being and tell most of these dudes I was talking to that they just weren’t right for me. My standard for doing it was to ask myself these questions:
- If this man came up to me in real life would I talk to him or avoid him?
- Would I entertain him by speaking to him?
- Would I give him my real phone number or a fake one?
- Would I actually be interested?
The majority of those questions can be answered by my level of attractiveness towards him. I could also literally do some calculations on the proportions of the guy’s face and figure out if I am likely to select him but I opted for just taking a guess like you would in a bar as someone approaches you. I also asked myself:
- Would this guy actually approach me in real life or does he look like he is too shy?
- Would this guy be someone that seems like he would be fun to hang out with?
- Can I imagine him meeting my niece and nephews and being excited about how Aunt ZZ comes to life?
- Is this guy a Christian?*
*This question should probably be first, but whatever for now I am just basically killing time.
So I went through this strategic approach and contacted all of the guys that had contacted me so that I wasn’t a total jerk in the world. I did what I needed to do to let them know it wasn’t going to work out. Some of them I even shared that I just needed a break from dating and that I was overwhelmed. I really am.
I also took a break from some of my other responsibilities such as leading my small group at church. I focused on the things I needed to do and were a high priority. I met that last guy I mentioned yesterday and we had a good time. I told him I had a good time.
In the meantime, I have no plans of becoming anyone’s girlfriend anytime soon. The guy from yesterday is actually on the same page as me. So I am not worried about what is happening with him. I am going to do things to focus on myself like Patti describes in the book. I am going to try to take the 90 days and follow her instructions. One thing that stuck with me was this:
happy + active = attractive
I think she is totally right about that. She prescribes that you find your inner peace basically and get happy. I’ve actually been feeling very happy and hopeful after ending my recent relationship so I am progressing in that area. I was walking daily so I have been active. The next step is to make it basically who I am. To make being happy and active my thing, not just something I am trying to do to attract a guy.
If you’ve been reading my blog for any amount of time you know that I have several health issues. One of those is Thyroid Cancer. I am in recovery but it is clearly something I should have as a priority. I take mental breaks from thinking about it in between my scans so it isn’t always at the top of my mind. By reading Patti’s book, I became inspired to make it my mission to be as healthy as I can be. That means I need to exercise more, eat healthier, and just do things that lead to healthiness. For myself. To be the best version of myself because I want to be, not because I want to attract someone. Because I want to continue to kick cancer to the curb. God has taken care of that for me but I need to be more respectful of this body I have been given and treat it well. It is time to clean house basically. I need to take an inventory of my health and create a situation where I don’t have to go to the Emergency Room (like I did last week) because I have a pain in my side. (Which is an issue that remains to be unresolved.) I want to just feel good in my body because it is the right thing to do.
So I am in that place where I have a lot of work to do and it all lines up with Patti’s plan to take a Dating Detox. I have a lot of thinking, praying, and weight-losing to deal with so I can be a better person to hang out with for myself! If I don’t even want to hang out with myself, why would I expect someone else to want that? So I’m going to clean out all of this junk in my heart and mind. Hopefully I will also clean out some nasty fat cells and heal my body in a way that will last a lifetime.