I rarely ever talk about personal stuff on this blog but occasionally I do. Recently I wrote a status message on Facebook and shared with readers that I was feeling stressed. I have had a multitude of both positive and negative things cross my path in recent weeks. I’m literally physically worn out from it all. The main reason it is taxing on me is that they all require me to make a decision. They also require me to have self confidence and a feeling of personal worth.
Unfortunately, that’s a struggle for me from time to time. I literally never feel good enough. Ever. This is true in the small things and the big things. I’m very hard on myself. I will criticize myself in the shower for not washing my hair good enough. Then later because I didn’t plan for what I would eat for breakfast. I never feel like my outfit is good enough and worry that I will be either over-dressed or under-dressed.
Other people will say that I look nice and it just causes me to have less respect for them. I believe there must be something wrong with them that they would say such a thing. Even if I spent 2 hours getting ready and trying to make my hair look perfect.
I have done all kinds of things like earning multiple college degrees from highly selective institutions. I have been accepted into exclusive organizations and won awards. I always play it off. I think that they must have made some exception for me. They must have needed someone from a particular region or they were feeling charitable. I have never felt like I was good enough for any of the work positions and that they must have been desperate when they hired me.
I’ve had best friends that people dream of – wishing that someone like them would come into their life. They have told me that I was a good friend and someone with which they enjoy spending time. I think that they must just like hanging out with me because they were intoxicated during most of it. Or maybe they have low standards. Or they are just trying to be flattering because that is the best way to make friends.
I have had boyfriends that compliment me all the time and I just thought there was something wrong with them. My current boyfriend now avoids complimenting me because I literally tend to yell at him if he does. I assume that the reason my boyfriend hasn’t proposed yet is that I am not good enough for it with him or anyone. I assume that I may not have the opportunity to have kids if I even get married because it will be too late and just more evidence that I wasn’t good enough to be a mother.
I never feel like I am a good enough housekeeper or that my cooking is good enough for even me to eat behind closed doors. I never think that things I create (yes even this blog) are good enough or that they will be accepted by others. I assume that people will reject my art work and don’t even hang it on my wall until I’m sure that very few people will be coming to my apartment. In fact, I don’t think my paintings are good enough that I even paint over the canvas over and over to cover up the painting that I don’t think anyone will like.
I never feel like the way I arranged a room is good enough so I always have to change it over and over again to feel better.
This is all growing very tiresome. I do see a professional therapist and I work on this issue as well as others, but as you can imagine it’s not fun living inside my head. There are multiple roots to the issue. The sad part is that as much as anyone might say, it doesn’t make me feel better. I have to find away to believe it myself before I will believe anyone else.
I wanted to share this with you because I want to open up more on my blog and share personal things. I also want to open up about things like this so that if there is anyone else out there, they will know they are not alone. Please feel free to comment below. Anything is welcome. I want to hear people’s thoughts on this topic.